I don’t post often. I struggle with binge drinking and now being at home I’ve don’t it 2x being alone. You see I make all these rules in my head to somehow control this weakness. Ugh I just need to say it... this disease. I will always struggle with admitting I’m an alcoholic and I have no control. I don’t keep alcohol in the house I just never wanted that temptation. I don’t crave it but when I drink I have to really put in effort to keep it to a few but most of the time I’m drinking like I’m in a race but I’m by myself in this race! So Friday and Saturday drunk and so sick on Saturday! I knew I really over did it! Yesterday finally felt somewhat alive but after all my promises of this No more drinking. Of course today is Tuesday and as the self loathing and regret slightly wear off I catch myself trying to bargain and negotiate with myself. My moms birthday is coming up I think well I can have just one margarita to celebrate. Oh yes and my friends bday are coming up in a few months well I just won’t take those shoots. I’m limit myself to wine coolers. It must of been the Red Bull and Vodak that just isn’t for me. WTF. I want to forget ever disgusting mistake I have made because of my drinking but at the same time I wish I could keep the pain in box and everytimE I thought of drinking I could open it and remember that feeling so I don’t that first drink.... sorry for this rant. Just needed to vent!