My academic background is in environmental science and I have been angry and panicked about climate change (and inaction on it by governments or businesses) for years. It has been my number one excuse for why I don't do recovery. There are other reasons, like being lonely, or I don't handle stress well, but this was my biggest excuse.
I have been living in "world is ending" mode longer than some people have. I started out optimistic and strong, I learned a lot of outdoor survival skills, left the city for a place that is resilient to climate change, there are things in my house I could use in the zombie apocalypse (or just, you know, a natural disaster). I practiced camping alone, backpacking, and surrounded myself by people who have skills like wilderness first aid and growing their own food.
Sounds beautiful, amirite?
Well, somewhere along the way I lost all my hope, and got lost on this roller coaster of alcohol abuse to "deal with" my anger, my fears, my feelings of complete helplessness, my rage.
In recent months I started having thoughts like "I need to decide if I actually want to live or die." Because if I don't want to die, I should stop drinking. Realistically, I can only use my degree and other things I've been trained to do with a clear mind and reasonably healthy body. If something horrific happened tomorrow, and I was hungover, would I be of any use to anyone? Could I even help myself? What if I got dehydrated or confused. What if I did something that caused me to be overall less physically capable and independent because I was drunk.
I started thinking, you know I don't really want to die. So if I don't want to die, I have to be like those people in Trainspotting and choose life. No I don't do heroin, but even for binge drinking, it's a good line to remember. It's insanity to live "in between" ESPECIALLY in these times we presently live. Either you want to live, and live well, or you want to die. Make up your mind.
Coronavirus pandemic might be exactly what I needed. Sure, I reacted badly, and had one of my "unexpected" and "didn't mean to" binges last week. But realistically, it's shaking me up, making me remember I want to live, and why.
I liked myself better when I felt like I was prepared, and resilient, and could be of use to others. There's a lot of self-hatred in thinking I'm too weak to deal with reality or that I'm wasting my education, my passion, and my talent because I'm so angry and afraid that I drink my bad feelings away (or turn them into more self-centered bad feelings, there's that, sometimes I am not euphoric or escaping, there are times drinking causes bad feelings to still be there but much more selfish, morbid, maudlin).
I read this article that said the Coronavirus and how people are responding to it has already decreased CO2e emissions in China to a point that it's actually visible from space, and not only that, but the way people are modifying their behavior the world over could lead to methods of reducing carbon emissions. This gave me hope.
After that gave me hope, I also realized that self-isolation is a great time to not only stay sober, but to actively work on recovery since my activities are greatly reduced, and so are my interactions with other people. This is something else the coronavirus has given me.
I know it sounds kind of crazy, because at first I was upset because the social distancing ruined a lot of things that were giving me hope. I was supposed to judge a science fair for local teens, I work with school groups part-time as part of my internship, and I was planning a weekend retreat at a Buddhist monastery. Every single one of those things has been taken from me, because of school closures, and all of my grad school and internship responsibilities to be altered to on-line classes, or assignments that don't involve working with kids or travel.
I mean, this was really a breaking point for me. Really a moment of truth. Like I've been living this way for years now, and things have gotten suddenly worse on the surface. So am I going to just have a total nervous breakdown and kill myself?
I decided the answer was no. So this almost forces me to face recovery, to stay sober. This was possibly my "bottom" - this feeling that the world was not only ending but it was ending in two different ways!
When I saw the opportunity in the chaos, I slowly started to take it. So, here I am.
In terms of actively dealing with "ego" I like dharmic teachings like Taoism.