What really helped me was when I went through the Doctors Opinion in the Big Book. I found I have a physical allergy to alcohol. When I take a drink I set off the phenomenan of craving. A physical compulsion to want drink after drink after drink. It is just the way my body reacts to alcohol. That is why us as alcoholics are unable to control our drinking. That is why it is nothing to do with willpower. That is why we will never ne able to drink moderately or safely even after long periods of abstinence. So if I do not put a drink in me I cannot set off the craving, I cannot get drunk. Yipppee!
However, the Doctor's Opinion taught me that alcoholism is a 2 fold illness. The physical allergy PLUS the obsession of the mind. If we do not put a drink in us we cannot get drunk right? Simple. But that leaves us with the mental obsession. That yearning to take a drink despite all the bad crap that happens to us when we do. So alcoholism actually centres in the mind. That is why alcoholics need some type of recovery plan.
In the early days/months when I wanted to drink so badly I would constantly use the Serenity Prayer.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change the fact that I am an alcololic. That my body reacts differently to "normal" drinkers. That is a FACT
The courage to change the things I can. I can work a recovery plan daily. I will go to any lengths to stay sober. I will make sobriety my number one priority. I will do whatever it takes to not pick up thst first drink. I can change my attitude from poor me to Thank God I am alive and all I have to do is stay away from one little drink, one day at a time.
I would repeat this over and over every time I wanted to drink.
After my last drunken binge I too had engaged in awful behaviours whilst drunk. Some I had brief recollection of, others not so much. I tried to smash a window of someone I knew who I held a resentment towards by throwing a block of wood at it and subsequently was visited by the police. I phoned in sick for work and had no recollection what I had said to my manager or how I sounded. I sent abusive text messages to people. Once I came out of that binge I was in a kind of shock. I thought ok, well I cannot change what has happened so I will have to just deal with the consequences when and if they arrive. But my priority was getting and staying sober. Luckily work seemed to be ok. I did lose some friends and was probably the talk of the town. But I knew at this point that I wasn't a bad person. I was just really really sick. And I had to get myself well. Everything else had to wait . I had to get well for me and for my daughter.
I am nearly 2 years sober (I am 47). The person's window I tried to smash, I have since apologised to him and he took it very well. I have friends that I pushed away back in my life. One I think is probably irreparable but who knows with more time? I haven't done or said one thing I regret in the last 2 years. I havent had to wake up (come to) and wonder who I upset the night before, whether I had given my daughter dinner or not, had to phone in hungover and sick for work. I haven't lost any keys, phones or my purse whilst wasted. I havent had to put my mum and dad through any more worry about whether I am ok or if their granddaughter is ok. Most and best of all I haven't had to experience those crushing feelings of guilt, despair, shame and terror. Not once!
It is only too late for you once you are 6 feet under! Whilst you are alive and breathing there is HOPE. I thought I was hopeless but I was wrong. You can start saving your life right now. Can you get to an AA meeting? I got into AA, got numbers from other alcoholics, prayed, went to meetings, got a sponsor, worknthe steps, I joined the class of April 2019 and posted daily. I was on SR constantly. I watched documentaries and read books on alcoholism I listened to recovery podcasts and AA speakers on you tube. I practiced gratitude daily. All of these I stil do. I have to but I also want to . You are welcome to pm me anytime. You are amongst others who GET IT and you are so worth it.
Lots of Love
🙏❤🙏❤
Edited to add. ... do not think about never drinking again. That seems like an impossible and overwhelming task. Keep everything the the today. All you have to do is not drink today. One day at a time my lovely ❤