Achnasheen

I've seen it as a death threat too, and I don't take it lightly. I've been scared to leave, feeling safest by staying as then I am not triggering him.
A few days after he threatened me, he was away from home and I threw belongings into a bag, took my dogs, and left. I went to my brother, my only nearby relative. He and his wife let me stay, but they did not believe AH could ever harm me. I was in a state of severe anxiety and unable to think clearly. My brother said I was over reacting because I have trust issues because of childhood trauma. I had sent AH a text saying that I had left, that I needed time to think. He phoned me, really mad at me, saying How could I believe that he would hurt me. I agreed to go back home to talk to him, I ended up agreeing that I'd over reacted, and staying. A few months later I was still scared of him, I couldn't find my trust again, and I started counseling because I felt like I was losing my mind. In therapy, I found out that what I'd been experiencing most of my life - sweating, heart pounding, that sick feeling in your stomach, and then feeling exhausted (from your body trying to cope with all all of the adrenaline) - was actually anxiety, flight, fight, or freeze, caused by childhood trauma. That reinforced what my brother and AH said, that I over reacted to a statement made in the heat of the moment.
I tried to have a conversation about it with AH. Then, what felt to me like gaslighting, started. He said he couldn't really remember, he said he thought we'd been watching a tv show, and something said in the show got him and I talking about one spouse killing another, but he had never said anything about shooting me. His version of events was complete fiction. I had written down what he said, I knew I wasnt remembering it wrong. Another time we talked and he could not remember ever making a threat, he said "You must be remembering wrong, because I would never say something like that!" I told him he absolutely did say it.
It totally messed with my head. I still don't know if he was just trying to intimidate me so I would stop talking about separation/divorce, or if he would truly get violent if I left. Or maybe he was drunk and actually doesnt remember.
I keep going through times when I feel like I did just over react, and then times when I don't know if I can really trust him.
My plan has been to leave without telling him, and to not let him know where I am once I am gone, because I would rather over react and be safe. So I've been working towards that goal.
I'm getting there. Therapy, daily meditation and practicing mindfulness and grounding has really helped me cope with anxiety. I was working and saving money, but then had to stop working because of an injury, so a bit of a set-back there. My emotions, the FOG, is one of the hardest things to overcome and this group's responses have given me new ways to think about things, so I am feeling really hopeful for my future, and very grateful for all of you here <3