Originally Posted by
trailmix 
I have never gone through this and I am not an alcoholic, but I hear you.
One thing that really stood out to me are the 3 sides to you. You know, there really aren't 3, all of them are you. You are exhausted because you are fighting yourself, that must be quite a fight! The fight isn't over until the ONE you is exhausted, that's the only way it can end.
To me, accepting yourself, as you are, is the first step to loving yourself. I think sometimes people imagine, how can you love yourself if you don't like certain things about yourself, well, by acceptance. The good and the things you may not like. That doesn't mean there aren't things all of us can work on, just means we are human.
None of the things you have described are weird or odd! All of us get conflicting feelings sometimes, even about good things.
Dating is about getting to know someone, all the good feelings are flowing, I think it's a really good idea to take it slowly and just see how it goes, try not to hop too much in to the what ifs and looking way down the road, just enjoy your time together and see where it goes. She obviously likes being around you!
Above all, just be yourself. She deserves that (and so do you).
Thank you! You are very right accepting myself for my struggle is indeed the key. It's funny I keep going back to loving myself and finding that it's a process much like my meditative practise where I continually notice again and again that I have stayed off the path and need to bring myself back to loving and accepting myself (or my breath in the case of meditation). It's amazing how quickly I lose sight of the fact that I am being hard on myself and not accepting myself as I am. My mind simply unconsciously slips into that self depracatory mode of not being enough. Of being something bad, or wrong. But you are right this is about accepting myself as I am. Flawed, needy, lonely, insecure, unsure of himself, sad, longing, but also kind, compassionate, intelligent, funny, with a warm heart and much to offer. I can't promise myself this will work or that I won't **** this up... no human can ever promise that, I am not a robot and should not want to be one, though it seems at times this is the gist of my inner perfectionism.
I am enough. I always have been. I just need to find ways to see this.