Smilax

So despite posting here I have no urge to go back to drinking at all. I'm not saying that is not a risk of course, there would be danger in such arrogance. But I'm not posting because I feel the urge to now. What I'm posting about though is related to the emotional struggles that surround the issue for many of us.

I'm closing in on 2 years sober and I'm very happy about that. I've really poured a LOT of work into myself over the past several years. I've been in one on one therapy for this entire time and doing well there. I've taken up meditation 20 to 40 mins a day without fail, which has been transformative to my life! I've thrown myself into a hard workout routine that makes me feel great about how I look. I've socialized at every opportunity I can.

And now I'm facing my own personal Mt Everest. I'm dating a woman for the first time and it's going pretty fell I think. We are 3 dates in with a definite 4th. She is part of my friend group that I have been hanging out with for a while now so we met kind of naturally as friends. She actually happens to be my best friend's girlfriend's sister. My friend and their family are all aware we are dating now and support this. Their family has kind of adopted me over time actually lol. There is definitely a spark between us, more than a bit perhaps lol. We are definitely enjoying each others company and things are going well.

She knows I struggle with depression. I told her last date after asking for a kiss that I want to take this slow because of that.

I'm 37 and never been in a relationship. Never even held hands. I stayed away from all of that out of fear. I never thought I would be enough. That anyone would love me. Of course the problem is not that people have not loved me but that I have not loved myself. I have been awakening more and more to this fact through meditation and sitting with myself and allowing friends to change me. I am actually deeply loved and cared for and I am slowly learning to love myself. But it is a slow and painful process. The degree to which I am hard on myself and lack self compassion can be astounding.

And of course given my history with all of this and because this is my first relationship. I am more terrified by all of this than I am happy. In the moments spent with her so far things have been really very good. But I quickly descend back into my head. I realize I'm prone to codependency and fear. It's extremely difficult for me to untangle my emotions surrounding all of this. And from my feeling for her. There are 3 sides to me at the moment. The side that is excited and happy and loving this experience and my time with her. The side that is terrified and wanting to cut and run from all of this. And the side that fears that this isn't going to work and I'm going to end up hurting her and myself (I have no idea if this will work and there are some red flags to think maybe why not but it's not like we aren't into each other). And I am aware that it doesn't have to, I am more than just this moment. But knowing this factually and feeling it are 2 things. These 3 sides of me alternate and jockey for position over my emotions 10 times or more a day till I'm exhausted.

As I said I don't have an urge to drink over this. Screw that I'm not going back to that. But there is an immense amount of fear within me over this and I don't know what I am doing lol. I continue with my self care practices. Exercise. Meditation. Socializing with my other friends. But I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that such turmoil is normal. I've never done this before. Never had a relationship. This is new territory and is close to some major core wounds regarding my self value. This is extremely difficult stuff to sit with at times, though I am doing just that. Has anyone else gone through a similar journey?