AAPJ what got me sober was I had a heroin overdose and suffered from a compression injury to my right arm called neuropraxia as I had laid down without moving for 36 hours.
Neuropraxia is an incredibly painful nerve injury that left my right arm dangling without any movement. It was so painful my doctor even prescribed me with Oramorph (oral morphine) despite knowing I was a junkie. (I didn't take it.)
I ended up back at my elderly parents house in the middle of nowhere for 8 months with no money, no welfare, no nearby friends, no way of getting around as I couldn't drive and no local 'connections'.
I did 4 to 6 hours of physio and exercises every day. During this period I got clean and got some distance between myself and my addiction. I also witnessed up close the huge stress I had caused and was still causing my parents. (This injury had come after 20 years of addiction, the last 4 of which were carnage - 3 rehabs, prison in Thailand and being sectioned twice in a mental health facility.)
When I was finally fit enough to resume my life I felt a complete new start was required. I had been going to meetings during this period and told my sponsor in NA I intended to do a 'geographical' - I was told this idea was tried and tested and destined for failure unless I addressed the very core of my addiction and looked at my resentments and made amends and worked the steps etc.
I felt this wasn't necessary. I didn't, and don't, have any resentments and I felt constantly examining my motives was counter productive to leading a normal, responsible, content and spontaneous life - which was my aim.
So, against the advice of my sponsor, I did my 'geographical'. I went somewhere completely new, in a new job and did a total 'do over' and broke contact with many people. I initially kept in touch with my sponsor but he eventually turned on me as he said my program was weak and that I wasn't following his advice and as an old timer he knew I would fail. He even emailed this to me in capitals. YOU WILL FAIL. And I thought this guy was meant to be supporting me?!
So I attended meetings where I am now but, as before, I felt dragged down by the meetings and would leave feeling stressed out - annoyed by much of the ethos of the 12 step program along with the infuriated by the many assumptions 'old timers' made about me and other newbies.
I was told constantly I was on the brink of relapse by people who barely knew me and weren't even aware of what my substance of choice I was. I was also told I wasn't committed to the program and that I was doomed to failure without an HP in my life. The HP was described to me as being like the wet bit of the ocean in terms of recovery. Crucial. Yet I have never been, and am still not, religious or spiritual.
I also had issues with the key rings and the old timer thing - doesn't time served contradict the Just For Today ethos? Some old timer even did a share on the importance of anonymity while wearing an NA baseball cap and a t **** with the AA logo reading HUG LIFE. I mean, HUH?! No I don't want a keyring with NA on it thank you very much and no being clean for 6 months is not worthy of applause and celebration.
I also didn't like having to introduce myself as an addict (or alcoholic, I was told I couldn't say addict at an AA meeting even though I am not and have never been an alcoholic - there isn't NA where I am so I had to say My name is......I am an alcoholic). But I WAS an addict;I am not now. Saying you still are is like saying hi my name is Bob I am ten years old when Bob is 58. He was 10, he isnt now. Its a way of keeping people coming. Keep coming back! as the old timers would say at the end of each meeting. (Hotel California vibes here)
I also didn't like the cliqueness, the strangely smug 'stick with the winners' attitude of devotees as though being some drug addicted alcoholic ******* for 2 decades was a sign of personality or something. These dudes thought they were awesome., above and beyond your regular person.
Also I didn't like how incredibly prescriptive the 12 step program is. If you work it you will remain sober and if you relapse - well that's your fault and you didn't do the program properly. I mean, what?
The whole thing was like a cult and is based on the Christian fundamentalist rules of The Oxford Group from over 100 years ago. Its very dated and preserved in aspic.
I didn't want to live like this, 3 times a week having to be forced to examine my addiction in meetings whilst listening to others talk about their struggles or brag about their using or there sobriety. So many seemed to talk the talk but not walk the walk. In any group there are cliques, gossip etc and 12 step is no different.
In my new city and country I was mostly happy and I realized it was the meetings themselves that were the biggest threat to my sobriety!
So I stopped going.
Since then I have achieved all the things I hoped for in sobriety. Inner peace, contentment, living within my means, holding down a job and a relationship, keeping fit and living a simple day to day life and making my parents feel happy.
Addiction begins, and ends with a choice. It is NOT a disease. You don't chose to get cancer and then chose not to have cancer. Consequently I am absolutely not powerless over this thing.
I am powerful and so are you.
Through self determinism, responsibility, desire and choice I am now clean. No help from the HP. No handing things over to the HP. I don't have an HP. I haven't done the steps. I don't go to meetings. I don't have a daily gratitude list. I don't mix in circles of sober people. I don't dig up my past and get upset about things that happened to me 40 years ago.
All I now do is live like AN ADULT - and if one thing all addicts are it is totally juvenile. (As is the 12 step thing) I have accepted my flaws, my mistakes and my lot in life. And I am very content.
If I can do it anyone can. Its far more simple than it is made out to be once you get over the physical addiction.
I, YOU,HE, SHE. WE CAN DO THIS!