I tried AA and Na but it wasn't for me. Here are 12 reasons why:
1. The Higher Power - I was unable to take on board the idea that God or some other self picked spiritual entity was guiding me in sobriety.
(On more than one occasion members suggested I was unable to identify my HP because I wasn't committed enough to sobriety.)
2. The disease ethos - Whilst addiction has many symptoms of a disease I don't believe addiction is a disease. Addiction begins and ultimately ends with a choice. Cancer, for example, doesn't.
3. The 12 Steps - An extremely prescriptive regimen which must be adhered to exactly with little room for individual interpretation and with many steps based around the 'Higher Power'.
4. Resentments - Step 4 hones in on resentments and makes the assumption all addicts use on resent, bitterness and other negative feelings. My sponsor got so stuck on this with me and refused to believe I had (and still have) no resentments to the point we argued about it.
5. Damaged goods - The idea that all addicts are in some way permanently damaged by trauma or some terrible experience from the past. This isn't always the case and it isn't in my case.
6. Quotes and Chants - I heard stock phrases, idioms and slogans in three different continents many of which were the kind of turn of phrase you might find on a poster on a teenage kids bedroom wall.
7. Keyrings and Chips vs Just For Today - Each meeting begins with talking about the newest member being the most important in the room yet would end with 'claps and whoops and hugs' for sobriety time, the longer the time the bigger the cheers. It seemed like a contradiction to me and I could never see my sobriety as some source of pride like it was a great achievement.
8. Individuals - Whilst many members were agreeable some were insane and a liability. Others were cliquey, arrogant, dismissive and boastful of both their using and their sobriety.
9. Friends of Bill - I often listened to addicts talk about how special addicts were and at many meetings I sensed a smug atmosphere like a bunch of kids in a special super secret club with a secret handshake.
10. Powerlessness - the idea that an addict has absolutely no concept or power over what they are doing seems to shirk any sense of responsibility of ones actions. It wasn't me. It was the addict me.
11. Anti 'geographical' - Doing a geographical, as it is called, is seen as running away and something that 'doesnt work' yet this isn't true. I moved to a new place after getting clean as did many people I know. And it worked.
12. My name is x and I am an addict - this empty statement, along with 'keep coming back', seems to be designed to keep people stranded in recovery for the rest of their lives when surely, deep down, addicts just want to move on.
And no my inner addict isn't in the other room doing press ups. This ethos reminds me of the line from Hotel California
'We are programmed to receive.
You can check out any time you like,
But you can never leave!'
Thanks for reading.