JamieLee

I guess I don't want to be the "bad guy who leaves the poor guy who's just reacting to me and my evil family and the awful situation I've put him in for him being involved with me." I don't believe any of that-- but it somehow hurts me to know he and whoever he tells may think that. For example, my mom's an alcoholic, and she chooses to never see her grandkids, and she'd tell everyone I'm the meanie, and that's hurtful when she tells me people can't believe I do that to her. I don't know why it hurts when they say such crap. I know beyond a doubt that their crap isn't true. But it hurts me. Like he'd say I never cared about what he wanted, and I'm not sure I care right now, because, well, look at him, but originally I really did, and that somehow hurts. I don't know why it matters. I don't know.
And since we have kids together--- well, unless somehow I convinced them to give me sole custody, I'd be stuck seeing him and working with him as a coparent, so I'm always going to have to put up with his behavior. And also, how would a judge or whoever decides custody believe me? I said he has no friends, but, it's not because people don't like him it's because he believes weird things. So it's like my mom telling people I'm so evil and they'd believe him because he speaks with much more vengeance and hatred than me.
I guess I've come to the actual fork (that I thought I was at before but I never really was) where I really don't know why I'm stuck with him. Maybe I am seeing clearly now... I guess me against a 6'4 260lb guy, I have no chance of getting him to leave unless I call the cops or he ups and leaves. And I just can't stand the idea of calling the cops. And even though he hates the house, the addiction knows he can do what he wants because a "little girl" can't stop him.
And of course, at some point I did really really love him and he was my soulmate. So, you know, I guess broken dreams....