I wish I could answer your question, but only you can do that.
You'll have to look inside yourself and do some soul searching and self assessment.
I had no idea why I drank at the end either. Alcohol was killing me, yet I drank.
It took a power greater than myself to finally make me stop.
I hope you find an answer to your question. Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. I found without help I couldn't stop.
I wish the best for you.