mikoss

Thank you so much Steely.

Yes, I thought about seeing a doctor but so far it has been manageable. Just today was the worst day. Lots of cravings today to drink alcohol or do some cocaine just to escape the withdrawals but I have been able to resist.

It all started this morning with the panic attacks. They come and go. And then I have been sleeping on and off and when I do sleep it is bad dreams and nightmares followed by major anxiety and panic attacks when I wake up.

And then feeling physically ill like I have a cold and so weak and tired and lack of energy to do anything.

With cocaine, at least for me, the comedown and withdrawal varies depending on the amount I would do and how much I drank. Usually if I did quite a bit of cocaine while drinking the comedown and withdrawal would be pretty intense. Feelings of paranoia, anxiety, guilt, regret, shame, major depression, feeling jittery, losing track of time, feeling like you are in a disoriented dream like state due to feeling tired but not being able to sleep from the cocaine, and just feeling like wanting more cocaine to come off of the comedown.

The thing for me and why cocaine is dangerous, apart from the health risks, is because if I were to drink I would want to do some cocaine or vice versa, if I were to do a bit of cocaine I would want to drink. For me they kind of always went hand in hand.

I would start off with a small drink and a bit of cocaine. Then drink a little more and do a bigger hit of cocaine. And then keep drinking more and do more cocaine. And keep going on and on and on all night until the sun comes up or goes down again and I don't even know what day or what time it is. That is what is scary about cocaine for me and especially when drinking. I would lose track of time. All of a sudden time slows down or becomes non-existent on cocaine to where it becomes a bit scary. And the comedown, especially on the last three relapses including the last relapse I had recently, it was just horrible from doing way too much drinking and cocaine. Just absolutely terrible that I never want to go back to it ever again. Alcohol or cocaine.

And I even got so desperate recently that I though about smoking weed or hash or some wax or hash oil to help me with getting sober and clean but then I would just be stoned all day instead of drunk and I can just take an antidepressant if I want to feel calm and feel drunk. But I just had a bad experience with weed the last time I smoked. A friend of mine gave me one hit and it was enough. It was an absolutely horrible experience. It was so powerful that in ten minutes I could not even walk. I felt like I was walking in zero gravity or something. I felt nervous and then my sense of hearing was so acute that it made me feel strange and paranoid. And then I was hallucinating and seeing things and things started to change colors like green plants were turning pink and purple and very strange. And then I ended up throwing up outside and shaking with chills and I eventually laid down outside on the deck because it hurt to move or get up. I told my friend that it was so strong and she laughed and said, "I know it was good stuff right." I was like wow, never again am I doing that whatever it was or what was in it.

And then my friends tried to get me to sit up and helped sit me up and they threw water on my face and slapped me which sort or annoyed me a bit. And another friend got some cocaine and prepared a big line for me on a plate and said to do it to get me back to normal. And after doing that I felt a bit better but still sick and awful.

Just stories like that which make me never want to go back to alcohol or cocaine or weed or any drug or alcohol abuse ever again.