Yes DriGuy, it is that feeling of hopelessness I feel many times but I say to myself there has to be some hope for me to get better.
And just when I start to get better and see some hope I go into that downward spiral and become worse than before. And then finally when I was able to be sober for about a month I go back to where I was before out of addiction, depression, desperation to feel good, and an escape and hoping that finally I can learn how to make myself a better person and learn from my past choices. Like this quote I saw that said something like, "Wisdom is the reward we receive for surviving our bad choices." I just hope that I can get wisdom and just recover from addiction.
After my last incident with alcohol very recently along with cocaine it was so bad afterwards that I finally said enough was enough and I need to stop. I couldn't sleep and felt nervous and anxious and sad and crying and shaking that all I could do was take tiny sips of alcohol and take tiny bits of cocaine just to cope with the comedown it was so bad. Until a friend had to tell me no more and hide my own cocaine in front of me to stop. Finally later I was able to lie in bed and get a small bit of sleep with a bit of coke and a drink to ease the comedown a bit. Only to experience more anxiety, guilt, shame, nervousness, paranoia, insomnia, nausea, shaking, crying, it was absolutely horrible. Something I would never wish on anyone. Not to mention a friend of mine was sick and couldn't sleep as well. My friend said I almost finished a whole bottle of tequila. And that I was just laying out cocaine nonstop all night passing it around amongst friends and I was even smoking cocaine by the end of the night because I guess doing lines just got boring. I feel so guilty, ashamed and horrible about doing this and think to myself why? Why do I do this? And now here I am a little over 30 hours of no alcohol and cocaine and as each hour passes even though I don't feel my best I am starting to feel better being able to share and talk about this and my mind and body starting to feel better in just the short amount of time I stopped.
I know friends and even people I have worked with who have said that cocaine is okay and everybody does it and successful people do it and function well and it is perfectly fine and harmless and fun and all of these things and drinking alcohol is totally normal along with cocaine use but I feel that this is not true. From this recent experience I have hit bottom from these two dependencies and addictions and finally have said enough is enough and just want to get better and start recovering and be sober and clean.
My withdrawal symptoms were so bad and I was such a wreck crying all night that I was panicking and trying to look up help lines and going online just to try and find anything to start getting help and found this forum and so here I am.