I feel your pain WastingLife. I despise the "you're just lazy" excuse. I have family members right now who are struggling to cope with depression, ADHD, BP disorders, etc. for years. I am currently dealing with complex PTSD, Dissociatve disorder, adhd, and the list can go on and on......
I read something interesting the other day. It said that,
"Hate is Inevitable, but its also
draining and
toxic."
WL, we must cleanse ourselves of such negative emotions for our own survival. Brief background: My dad is also a doc and growing up he was never home; always working. Mom got custody after the divorce, so then she was never home; always working. All the while, I have 2 narcissistic parents constantly battling one another and absorbed in their own s*#t, let's say 20/7. Our home was consumed with negativity and anger -- with us kids acting out, constantly at war with each other whilst under No Supervision. My older siblings had strange people in-and-out of the house; I had no protection nor did any pay any attention and I was abused for years. My tools to cope were 'hiding food' then secretly eating it, and secretly drinking my moms booze. Once I found out she was too drunk to even know it was missing, I was drinking whenever I could. Oh, It felt so good & the only good I felt for a long time. Alcohol
saved me from
a lot of pain and helped me to repress so much anger & hate that my 10 yo mind could not fathom at the time. All my undeveloped mind understood was that - Alcohol is Everything to me - (..as Im writing this I can still feel the butterflies [/I]...like falling in love for the first time[/I]....its insane!!!) So obviously, 'many' unspeakable traumatic events followed for
years until now. I am a 38 yo Addict, maladjusted, Adult-Child, with a Love-Hate relationship with Alcohol, a plethora of mental diagnoses, Legal problems, chronically Unemployed, Co-Dependent in relationships without Boundaries, isolated from a society that treats me like either 'Crazy' or maybe 'Just Spoiled,' and a family that lives in perpetual denial who told the court 'Im too Unfit' to raise my own child, and tell me that 'I Just Need Get Over It.'
WL, I admire the fact that you got the help that you needed for yourself and checking yourself into rehab. You are on SR and thats also a Positive choice that shows you are accepting responsibility and committed to your own well-being. You cant change anyone but yourself. Maybe he will come around; maybe he wont. Maybe you are a reflection of the failure that he might feel as a parent. Its easier to say, "you are lazy," then to admit and say," I am wrong or I am helpless in this situation." For now, I hope you focus on your recovery, heal your wounds, and put yourself in a position to be a service to others whenever you can.
I just came out of another horrible relapse. But Im finding my Peace in it. Ive decided to take a close look at my own thought patterns. Although I put the drink down -(which is a miracle in itself), I realize that I am still walking around with the same thought process as my 'alcoholic-self' -- and that's very dangerous. Sheer self-will cannot sustain me. God cannot do what I can do; and i cannot do what God can do. Positive affirmations are helping me train my twisted self-talk. And I try to check myself as much as I can throughout the day.
WastingLife, Abandonment is painful, I know. A positive twist on the situation is that you have all this time to focus on yourself, your recovery, and your journey through life. Ultimately, it is up to us to create our own happiness!
The sooner and the more often, that you choose to Let It Go - the better. I also want you to understand that PTSD can be very debilitating if left unchecked. The symptoms of my PTSD had me physically, mentally, spiritually immobilized for years! Untreated it is
Impossible to cope like 'normal people.' Recognize, address, treat, and live a full life WL. The symptoms from my diagnoses of ADHD, Dissociative disorder, depression and anxiety were all secondary to untreated complex PTSD. For decades, I thought I was just depressed or lazy; but I was struggling with traumatic memories from years before and constantly trying to rationalize, replay, reinvent, and compartmentalize very intrusive thoughts. Everyday was torture that nobody else could see or understand. When you are suffering from PTSD; your world can literally stand still. Aspirations, motivations, and activities of daily living come close to a halt. Its nearly impossible to focus on normal things like paying bills, moving up in a career, maintaining relationships, finishing school, enjoying leisure activities, planning your future, planning your day, or just being cool. Instead, everyday the distance between you & the rest of the world increases incrementally as trauma plays the tapes over-and-over again. Alone and disconnected from the world, we remain mostly unnoticed as we walk around aimlessly, then self-medicate to end the nightmares at night & the insanity during the days. We see 'professionals' that we convince ourselves cant help us - because we've been accustomed to having doors shut on us.
Like I said , I
feel the pain WL. The good news is that treated PTSD can provide much needed relief - even closure and likely Peace. The first step is to find a therapist to help you work through the 'roots' of your trauma. Second step, is commit to not giving up - because its a lot of work and is painful at times.
But thats okay too.
MUCH LOVE
