Thanks for your kindness Dee and Anna and not judging. I am so sick and fed up with myself and my inability to stay sober.
Today is a vile day weatherwise but I am going out for a long walk. Every day after work I am going to come home and then go back out for a walk too. Even just breaking the habit and connection of coming home from work and pouring wine can only help.
Got my recovery books out too and will start to read them. I got sober with Rational Recovery and SR before. I know it works if I put my heart and soul into it. That;s been the problem-I've not been putting my all into it. Maybe at first but not as the weeks go by. and fundamentally it boils down to wanting to be sober more than I want to drink wine. Which I do. Until I don't or I think I don't but I do really and know it's just my AV talking. I need to get a better plan and recovery tools in place to deal with those situations when they arise.