Dear Meadow,
The only relationship I had that can compare is the one I had with my ex-husband. He had an affair, moved out, and began divorce proceedings. He became verbally abusive right before and after he moved out. I had no idea yet about the affair partner he had. Even once I did, he was still verbally abusive after I decided I did not want to be married to him any longer.
I jumped at time the phone rang. I dreaded opening my e-mail at work because that is where he would try to reach me, too. I was scared all the time. That is when I started counseling--and it really, really helped. A lot! I can't recommend it enough and hope that you might consider it.
I was tired of living in fear...it sounds like you are, too.
Please take good care of yourself!! You deserve peace and joy!