Alexbaby

I had to redo my post because I made my very first one and it was one big long sentence and very hard to read! I apologize, I will do this again.


I met my ex 3 yrs ago. He was very upfront about his past, said he used to use drugs, had been in jail twice for drugs but had been clean for a long time. He also told me that he was married for 17 yrs and one day he came home and she was gone and he was devastated.but was ready for a relationship.

Early on there were signs, so many signs but like a lot of people I didn't want to see them.. the first year was rough. He started using again, if he ever stopped at all and it was a roller-coaster of emotions. One day he was crazy about me the next he was telling me I deserved better and I should leave him. Twice he called me because he was going to kill himself.. I never left him and did everything I could to try and help him. He finally admitted that he was using drugs again..


He alternated between crack and heroin and for a while it got really, really bad.. The first time I saw him shoot heroin,was the night of my work Christmas party. He shot up in the car in front of me. I remember feeling so ill, but by this point we had been together over a year and I was in love with him and he was always so sorry after and swore he was going to stop.

Things started to get better, he went on antidepressants, started counseling, found a job he liked and seemed happy..He made me feel beautiful and special and wanted and loved.

Then he started to borrow money, first it was 200$ until payday, then it was 300$, then $700. He always paid me back but then would borrow what he paid back. I was starting to drown in debt. I couldn't pay my bills and I was stressed all the time..by the time he left, he owed me 1,900.00.

He would use in my house. He would alternate between crack and heroin but mostly crack. He would be at my house 3-4x a week and always did drugs. I never saw him straight ever... I even started to go with him to meet his dealers. It became a normal thing..

In August, we started to talk about moving in together, he said he wanted to make sure he was clean before moving in because he didn't want to drag me down with him.

Then all of a sudden in October he very casually says, I am going to disappear in December. I questioned what that meant, he said I'm moving on in December and I won't be seeing you anymore. I am going back to someone in my past,.. I cried for a few days because we ended things. And then the crazy roller coaster started.

One minute he would call like everything was normal then I wouldn't hear from him for days. Then it was" I want to see you one last time before I go", I would see him and then nothing for 3-4 days.. This went on for over two months. My head was in a tailspin, I didn't know which end was up. Every time I saw him, he would just apologize and say he was sorry he didn't want to hurt me, he would cry and say if I had a choice wouldn't leave you but my past has caught with me and I have to move on..it was the most emotionally draining time..

One night, he went into my phone and saw some messages that he didn't like, where a friend of mine called him a junkie. I saw a side of him, I had never seen before. He went a little crazy, called me every name imaginable, told me that no man would ever want me and that I didn't deserve him because I was screwed up. Said he only stayed with me because I wouldn't leave him alone after we broke up and he felt sorry for me. I cried for days. He kept calling and texting, saying he was sorry he didn't mean it, he was just hurt.

One night he offered me drugs and because of the state I was in I said yes. I liked it, it made me forget the pain, and when we were high it was as if everything was going to be ok..
Then on New year's Eve after spending the whole night together, he says, I am "out of here tomorrow", gives me a kiss and leaves. For three weeks nothing, no calls, no texts, nothing.
Then one day, I am in the gas station ( we live in a small town) and there he is pumping gas. I was so shocked, I sent him a text that said you didn't have to lie, if you wanted it to be over you could of just said so. .

When I got home, he was waiting for me. Wanted to know what the text was all about, I said, I. I said I'm sorry you felt you had to lie, he and say you were moving to end our relationship. He says I didn't lie, I left and came back and will be leaving again in a few weeks (yeah, right) I said ok well I hope we can be friends,, his response, I can't be your friend, I have moved on to someone else.. I smiled, said ok, I wish you luck and walked away..

I spent two weeks crying every day, I feel like a fool. I believed he loved me, I thought everything was good, we were happy. I didn't/don't understand stand why he was so cruel. He knew he was leaving me for someone else but yet kept coming around..to make it worse, he dropped a note in my door, that said, I have blocked you on everything, do not try to contact me ever again.

I am a little broken right now. I was nothing but good to him, was always there for him no matter how bad thing's got, I stuck by him and he repays my kindness with leaving me for someone else, rubbing it in my face and then telling me to stay away from him.. and never paying me back

Now I am just trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to figure out why he was so mean to me. I cry almost every day, not as bad as before but I still cry. I cry because I feel stupid, how could I have fallen for it. When I asked him why he said he was in love with me, if he wasn't, he said because it made you happy!! Who says that?

I am starting counseling next week to try and understand all this.