Originally Posted by murrill

When I sobered up in 1988, 12-step programs were the most available support. I attended my first meeting because my inpatient program required it, and I could hide in the group. I sobered up out of fear, but I stuck around because of love.

I will not dispute the experiences you've described: AA is made up of all kinds with as many opinions. However, I'm reminded, too, of something (from the Dali Lama, I think): We do not see people as they are. We see them as we are. Just something to think about.

The program AA is 12 steps and 12 traditions. That's it. The slogans, sponsorship, 90/90, disease concept, etc. have become part of the lexicon over time, but they are not AA. I am of the opinion that for-profit treatment programs have influenced the vocabulary. I am a recovered alcoholic: I am no longer in the grips of alcohol-induced madness.

I love AA, although I have not attended a face-to-face meeting in years. I am older now, and I usually take part in on-line recovery. There was a time I felt that I was "held hostage" by the fellowship. Maybe there was something to that, but I also had to look at my own history of holding onto relationships when they no longer served me.

AA was the antithesis of everything I thought I needed. I resisted. I challenged the notion of a Higher Power. I was never a good sponsoree. But I set up meetings, and went for coffee after meetings and answered phones at the Central Office. I worked the steps until my life was tolerable and made sense. The program is ambiguous and flexible, though it may not be for everyone. I just hope you will stick close to someone or something to support you.