Farmhousegal…...I don't think you can protect your son from the Knowledge of his father's alcoholism. As much as we mothers would like to protect our children from all of the negative realities of this world....it is just not possible..
I think that what our job is...is, to prepare them to cope with the realities that they, will, inevitably, be faced with.
It is written by those who are schooled in the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones....especially the children...that it is the dishonesty and lies and denial of the alcoholism that does the most damage.....
I think it is great that you have removed your son from living under the same roof with the alcoholism....because that is a wretched thing for developing children.....and, as you say...he seems to be benefiting from this change.
Personally, I wouldn't say anything about this to your son....nothing about this statement that your husband has made. If he were to quit (which you already know is doubtful) your son will, eventually, see it. If he doesn't quit, you son will see that, too.
I do think that this is one of the "stay on your side of the street" instances.
You can assume that your son knows more than you think he does...and that he thinks about it more than you assume he does.
(I have raised three kids...as I was divorced from their jerk of a father).
Kids... and, even teenagers, often don't have the verbal ability to express their complex feelings and thoughts.
What I found is that they will ask questions or talk in bits and pieces, as they feel "safe" enough to do so. lol...and, they sometimes do it at the oddest times!
***I think that the key principles is to be willing to just listen (most of the time)....and accept that their feelings are valid. They need to know that you will be honest with them....honest, all of the time. They will instinctively KNOW if you re trying to WHITEWASH the truth....or,if you are trying to run interference for your husband....
If you do so...you won't be protecting them...you will be teaching them that they can't trust adults.....they will learn that adults will lie or deny or rearrange reality.
I found that when spending time with kids....doing something relaxed and routine....that the kids will ask questions or make telling statements or observations.....this is when the best conversations come about.
for example....if you and your son are sitting on the edge of the river, fishing....
Or, when you are washing the car, together....or taking a long road trip in the car, together.
You can't always "fix" everything...but, you can always be a compassionate listener...that is , often, all that they are looking for, anyway.....