hey 2020, glad to hear you are going to do something nice for yourself! It truly is so important to do that. Try to put yourself as a priority. It can kind of seem counter-intuitive and almost selfish when that hasn't been the norm for you.
It's not selfish and it's actually good for you. You will find, after a time of making yourself a priority that you are more relaxed, happier, feeling well taken care of, just generally better.
Doing things for others, holding others up, is exhausting and all encompassing. That's far from ideal. You are important too you know.
I get that doing things for others and helping them can make you feel good about yourself, being kind is a good thing right? But there is a balance there and it kind of sounds like you are not in balance.
I think it's great that you are stepping back and looking at that. That can only be good for you.