FWN

Today was a good day for me. I met with a therapist locally because her credentials mentioned co-dependency. I'd made this appointment a few weeks ago and she does 2 hour sessions and I almost cancelled it because I felt like the Al Anon group I found here was 'good enough' for me right now, but I'm so glad I didn't. I feel my mind has been opened quite a bit.

The rat analogy... during our session she encouraged me to separate my AH from the disease. And then she pulled out a hand puppet of a rat... she said think of the rat as the disease and her as my AH. They are 2 separate things, but my AH doesn't see the rat. The rat has changed the wiring in my AH's brain so that he cannot be seen, and the rat whispers to him all day telling him that alcohol is the solution to any and all problems. And until my AH accepts the fact that he has alcoholism, he will never recognize the rat that's by his side day in and day out. That when I have heart to hearts with my husband, I'm speaking to the rat. Of course he's sorry, of course he apologizes for doing something to hurt me, because the rat is telling me what I need to hear in order for him to have another chance to drink again. She also said that the rat can easily go dormant (as she puts the puppet inside her jacket) for 6 to 12 months if need be, if that's what will be necessary in order to get me to stay with him so that he has another chance to drink in the future. And that in order for the rat to 'be caged' for good, he has to work a recovery program or the rat will always be there. And that the rats cage requires physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual work in order to lock it in for good.
She said that leaving him was good and she thought that was a huge step in the right direction for me. I told her well now he gets to be in my beautiful house drinking whenever he wants while I take care of his kids hundreds of miles away. That he has the life. And she said no, that's no life at all for him. That if I give him the space needed (so no nagging, no asking questions, COMPLETELY staying out of his alcoholic business) that he will come face to face with the rat (as she turns the puppet face to face with her) and have a decision to make. He will have no one to blame but this rat in his face.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm determined to finally let go of my perceived and unreal control on the situation. And any time I want to ask him a question or check in on him for any reason related to alcohol at all, that I hop on my computer and journal away. Because those feelings will hit me like a ton of bricks. The anxiety, stress, desire to check, etc. and I need to channel that into writing.

Anyway, I've had a really ****** week. I've learned a lot this week and feel even more uncertain about my future than I have in quite some time. But that's okay. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time. Nothing I worry about tonight will have any impact on what actually happens in the future, and I need not spend the energy on it today.

I'm glad to be here, have this forum, and hopefully the rat analogy helps someone here like it helped me.