Sam31p

What addiction though? I'm really not in denial or anything.

Legit I can't understand the addiction of it? I sit at home for 2 weeks with a stash of beers in the fridge and don't touch any really. Maybe 1 can spread across 2 or 3 days (Half just before dinner, then I leave it on the side for another day).

Whereas when I'm out and about the symptoms of Anxiety/Aspergers are too much for me to cope with because it affects who I am, my abilities and I feel suicidal.

For me it's a bit like imagine someone before a wedding, nervous, shaking, they might have a bit of "Dutch courage" to steady the nerves. That's all good and most people will find that understandable.

For some unknown reason, maybe it's the anxiety, maybe it's the Aspergers, I am always a nervous wreck all of the time when out and about. This has been how my whole life has been.

As a result of these symptoms, it's affected almost every aspect of my life since birth. I've been shaking and spilling coffee, laughed at, had people say to me that I look like I've been on drugs. There's been times like when my mum was dying in hospital but I could barely be there because when I tried going, the symptoms made me feel suicidal.

Take the thing with the vets. I don't want to drink to go and don't intend to drink before going. The beers in the fridge remain unopened and I just try and get on with it. Before I even get there I'm shaking with symptoms, I can't focus. While there I can't communicate properly with the vets because of symptoms, I can't ask vital questions and I have to face the embarrassment of my hands and body shaking.

I then get home with full intent of trying to end my life.

I've suffered enough in life with family deaths, PTSD isolation and the Anxiety/Aspergers symptoms that I just can't cope with anymore suffering. Most days I feel like that where I don't want to die and yet I feel that I feel I have no choice but to die to end the pain and suffering.

For most of the time I can distract myself and get away from those thoughts, but it only takes a bit more suffering and I can't help myself. The shaking symptoms make me suffer more and so can throw me over the edge to seriously harming myself.

It's so difficult because when it throws me over the top like that, I find myself walking back in tears knowing that I don't want to die, but I have to. Knowing that when I finally get back home, I'm going to struggle to keep it together. Could it be the knife? The TV smashed to bits? Consuming any old poison from the cupboard?

Not long back it was a brand new mobile phone thrown at the wall, smashed into so many bits the battery went pop and leaked a load of smoke. Fighting between needing it to be me that's harmed and die, and not wanting to die. Why? Because I went out for a loaf of bread at the local shop and experienced the symptoms which made me suffer even more.

So that's why I drink. Just like the "dutch courage" example, it's when I'm unbelievably nervous and shaking out of control for no reason. I know it works to reduce those symptoms and in that moment having the choice of coming home and potentially trying to kill myself or heading to a pub, drinking a few pints and ending the suffering of the symptoms, it's obvious what the "better" option in that moment is.

It's not the drink causing those symptoms either.

Like for example, one of probably 1000000000 incidents with these symptoms, I can vividly remember as a 7 year old standing in the playground with these very symptoms looking at the floor shaking when trying to talk to another child.

I need help, medical help with my health but the NHS won't give me the help I need. If I did get the right support, would I still drink? Yes..... 1 or 2 cans a week at tops just like I do when I'm not experiencing Anxiety/Aspergers symptoms out and about.