What's up Red?
That ambivalence was the name of the game for most of us while we still drank. I used to think of it as long as living with a divided Self. It's a brutal, sad and difficult way to live. You need to commit to a permanent sobriety, by whatever means. The further you get from day 1,15, 33 etc, the better you'll feel and the clearer your choice will become.
Waiting for you to check back in.