New Years Eve and beyond (support)
I took my last drink of alcohol on October 31st 2018, at 11:57pm. I still recall with clarity the shame, guilt, self-hatred, and anxiety I was feeling. Although it has been 425 days since then, it feels so close.
Last year on New Year’s EVE (NYE), I felt alone, down in the dumps, and very unsure of myself. I choose to sit at home while my wife and family went to a NYE party with our close friends/family. These were the same friends I used to drink with, and at this point no one really knew I wasn’t drinking. I had 61 days under my belt and to anyone else taking notice, it really had just come off as me “just not being around lately”, not some dramatic quest for sobriety.
The first 2 months were tough, and I choose to isolate myself socially. This was in my best interest. It was not a choice to seclude myself due to depression, rather I just needed time away to assess my situation and where I was heading. So I took step back from hanging out with friends. But NYE was to be the first time gathering with those old friends. I was nervous and so I stayed home…until later in the evening,
My family left and so I had the house to myself. I enjoyed it at first, starting a new Netflix series and binge watching for a while. But then I became saddened by the fact I wasn’t with my friends and family. I started to drift into thoughts of “why me, why this, what did I do to get here”. I even started to contemplate drinking. It would be so easy. It’s NYE! Of course, just go and drink with your friends one more time. It will be the last time for sure and you can wake up tomorrow and start this sober thing over. I mean, January 1 is the best time start something new anyways. I told myself it wouldn’t even really be a “relapse” because being NYE I was destined to drink anyways and starting fresh on Jan 1 is what everyone does.
I had literally talked myself into drinking and had provided all the appropriate excuses to do so. But something happened. I reached out.
I posted here on Sober Recovery and gained several responses. Almost immediately I became grounded and realized my decision making was skewed. But one person in particular responded in such detail that resonated with me to the core. That person spoke to me. I felt relief, encouragement, strength, and realized for the first time in 61 days…I wasn’t alone. I know I had posted on SR before and I certainly didn’t think I belonged to some super special elite group, but up to this point I didn’t have a connection with anyone who was sober. Up to this point, I was alone.
After reading several posts and having some back and forth conversation, I felt different. I decided to head over to the party and visit my friends. I stayed for just the right amount of time to socialize (45min to be exact). Nothing more. I was offered a drink and I declined. Only 1 person asked why, and I just said “I’m good” …no further questions. No one really cared. My good buddy joked with me a bit and I wouldn’t have expected or wanted anything less. Going to this party was the first sober socialization. It was a huge step forward. But I had a strength prior to going in. I couldn’t have done it without a strong mind and a game plan. I didn’t stay past what I believed to be just the right amount of time. I left when I needed to. I went with a purpose, not to just stand around without reason. It was the perfect social appearance.
The next day I awoke with a feeling I hadn’t experienced in years. I felt encouragement and believed in myself. I awoke sober…and best of all, I was starting a new year with 62 days sober.
It’s ok to be solitary, but not alone. I want people to know that. But as the evolution of sobriety takes hold, you will not be alone. People reach out, and one day you will reach out to others. So if you’re concerned about NYE or feeling “left out” or whatever it might be, I urge you to post on this thread. Reach out. DO NOT have the mindset that Jan 1 is ok to start over.