An early first memory, at 4yo- depression, anxiety, being a failure, fear....
What good does giving up booze to me? A level playing field to attack the mental health issues. Persisting with a GP to find an antidepressant that works well (needed- generational). Alcohol just made everything worse for me. At the end (and it literally was- for a time) I was drinking 5L of rotgut wine a day, isolated- not seeking death, but I had forgotten to live.
The fact you posted means you are processing new thoughts, I think. Post lots-join some newcomer's threads- like Class of December '19. I joined C/O March '16 and consider the people there (and other SR places) to be friends.
Support to you.