Happy holidays everyone!
I haven't posted much on the Newcomers forum in the recent past, but there are certain things I wanted to share with all of you - especially with people just starting out on their sober journeys. 225 days ago I came (back) to SR looking for stories of recovery whilst wanting to get and stay sober. Since then I have made at least one post every single day. I decided that posting would be my main form of accountability. In terms of reading materials, e.g. to stave off cravings, you can look these threads up
As a 'warning', I must say that sobriety isn't either a constantly elated or constantly morbid state of being, so you would also find posts that say "I was tired, I slept a lot and watched TV". I know this post is a veeery long one, but I hope you’ll get some insights if you persevere 😉 Which brings me to the experiences and ideas I wanted to communicate to you:
1. Don't Drink - No Matter What.
On SR, this might seem like a cliche if there ever was one. But it's also an incredibly simple and profound guideline. For an alcoholic, 'don't drink - no matter what' is the undisputed foundation to everything else. If you feel scared or anxious about the prospect of 'never again', do not worry. You can be sober this moment, second, 30 seconds, minute, 10 minutes, hour, 2 hours, 6 hours, 12 hours, 1 day. Staying sober from the time you wake up until the time you go back to bed is the only thing you have to achieve. Then you can do that again the next day
Personally, I initially struggled a lot with the concept of never drinking again.
Heck, in my numerous failed attempts, at one point or another - when this 'never' idea came forth - anxiety about never being able to lift a glass of booze again became my undoing. I turned 30 this year, and having been an alcoholic since the age of 18, 'never' inevitably seemed like too much to handle. This required me to shift my thinking from 'never drink again' to 'not drinking today'. A guiding phrase in achieving that was: "I Cannot Not Drink Tomorrow Today (and Neither Can Anyone Else)".
I realised that whilst I didn’t really see anything positive about drinking, what seemed to linger was some abstract thought about ‘never being able to drink again in a way that I never drank anyways’, referring to the fact that whilst my abstract daydreams were about that cold glass of something whilst looking at the sunset with a group of friends – the harsh reality was that I actually just drank 8-10 beers on my balcony alone, be it cloudy, rainy or snowing. Your addicted brain will try to trick you. And often. It is important to learn that early on.
2. Accept that Shocks to the System Will Happen: Don’t Try to Run from Them, Work Them Through
About a month into my sobriety, my sister had her first child. When I got the news, it was the best news and the absolute worst rush of cravings I had experienced. With the help of SR, I got through it. Hence, communicating your struggle is essential. This event also brought into my consciousness the fact that whilst staying sober under low-stress situations was more or less okay on the daily, I was not prepared for a sudden rush of emotions - this applied to both good emotions and bad emotions.
About 5 months into sobriety, something went really well - I finished an article manuscript that had been sitting in the drawer for almost a year. As I was sitting on the balcony and feeling good, I realised something incredibly important - I was okay with feeling what I felt in that moment. I did not want to 'make it even more intense' or somehow ‘even better’.
In my years of drinking, it’s as if I was constantly on the run from something. If I felt good, I wanted to feel ‘better’ (drink). If I felt bad, I wanted to feel better (drink). This time around in sobriety, I had to learn early on that drinking is a symptom. I listened to Gabor Mate lectures on YouTube (highly recommended), in which he suggests we “Ask not why the addiction, but why the pain?”. When drinking, I often felt that ‘my life sucks when I drink’. Easy solution, right? Just don’t drink. But when I stayed stopped for any stretch of time anywhere from 2-3 days to a couple of weeks, I suddenly felt that my life ‘sucked’ when I was sober, too.
What that important question by Gabor Mater made me realise was that if my life or my state of being ‘sucks’ drinking or not drinking, then I have to address the life. Here, you’d be wise to trust those with more sober time under their belt (and I’m referring to people with years of sobriety), when they say that addressing problems is FAR EASIER WHEN SOBER.
3. Learn How to Feel what You Feel and How to Deal with Bad Stretches
Of course, like anyone else, I have bad days. Really bad days as well. My daily work is translating, something I started doing actively a couple of months before I got sober. Translation requires, in my experience, copious amounts of focus and mental stamina. These are two things newly sober people direly lack in general, so it applies to any other type of work as well. I made mistakes, I rushed things, I focussed on the money (as the pay is 'per page'). I am very lucky that I have a demanding and patient 'work guy' (that's what I call the person giving me work) - he pestered me with correcting my mistakes, but still gave me work.
There were many moments where it seemed like, and in which I felt like, 'this is it, I cannot do this anymore because I cannot seem to get it right'. I felt incredibly low. Not to mention that the work was inconsistent. Due to my slow going and often mistakes-ridden translations - I'm not even sure whether I'm making it sound worse than it was at this point: there were okay ones in the middle here and there, but some were pretty blatant failures, too - I had weeks with earning only 50 euros or so, forced to live off of the 'extra' from previous translations.
About a month ago, I had yet another conversation with the 'work guy' in which he said a very important thing to me: "There's a mindset you need for translating and I want you to get into that mindset, but you haven't so far". Something dawned on me at that point. I had been focussing on the money, 'getting it done, even if with mistakes (because someone will check it, right?)'. What I should have been doing from the beginning was to focus on the craft, on making the best translation possible, and on putting in the effort that it requires - the effort required to do the best work I can, not the fastest work or most profitable. The last two, as I have learned, come when you get your mind right about the first one 😉
The reason I picked this story is because it applies more broadly to sobriety. It is your number one goal and you cannot create a functional sober life ‘fast’ (i.e. Rushing it), nor are there any guarantees of incessant happiness involved in sobriety (i.e. Immediate Huge Profits). It took you years to create and adapt to the alcoholic life you have just left behind, so please understand that it will take you a while to rewrite the programs running in your brain 😊 Putting in the best effort you can will ultimately create the life you want, but it won’t happen overnight and the only person who can make it happen is … You.
4. Have Hope but Definitely Stay Active (Even if You’re Only Doing 1 or 2 Things Total)
This aspect cannot be stressed enough. Sobriety doesn’t ‘just happen’, similarly to how you won’t just magically learn to play the piano without putting your fingers to the keys again and again and again. There is a lot of information available on SR in terms of how to stay active and engage in your own sobriety – take what you need, leave the rest 😉
To be fair, I cannot say that I have been the most active person myself. I take everything slow and I have had more than enough to deal with in my work, my academic writing and, for example, getting my sleep patterns right. While there are countless ways of engaging in your sobriety, you should pick a couple, see how they feel and whether they improve your outlook on life. Then do those for a while before adding anything new. If you’re anything like me, most of your drinking was a spur of making promises you cannot keep, feeling stressed out about it, drinking to ‘calm the nerves’, screwing thing up and then doing it all again. So, I decided to take things slow and actually be present for whatever it is that I’m doing. As my work example serves, I didn’t necessarily get it right from the start. Give yourself plenty of time.
Have I accomplished anything while doing 1 or 2 things instead of 15? I think so. Since I got sober, I’ve published and/or submitted 5 academic works. I have learned to handle my new profession. I have recalled and/ or relearned a lot from what I studied in school and university. I’ve learned to cook new dishes. I have travelled to new places. Most of these things would never show up on some ‘activity scoreboard’, because there aren’t any official awards available for them. They are, however, incredibly rewarding personally.
Find out what those things are for you. When you do, more often than not: 1 good ‘your’ thing is better than 5 random ‘someone else’s’ things.
5. Stay Away from Booze-Places and Always Have an Exit (If You Don’t Have One, MAKE ONE)
I’m not all that socially active. I never was, although I was very often at bars or parties in years gone by. The only reason for my being in these places was the availability of booze. Which means that the people around me were also heavy drinkers. All of those relationships ceased to exist a long time ago, as I isolated more and more in my drinking. I felt deflated and unwanted. In sobriety, I didn’t immediately rush into dangerous situations. I had to learn to first be okay with myself and only then look to others for company (at times). Two months ago, when I travelled to the UK to stay at my friend’s place, we went out to dinner a couple of times. My friend had wine and beer with dinner. I didn’t even really notice her having the drink, because I was so engaged in our conversation, the venue and my meal.
Would I just go to a bar now? NO. For an alcoholic, going to a bar ‘just for the F of it’ is similar to taking a shower fully clothed – you’re wet, but it’s not why you went, is it? For me, the same phrase still applies to drinking non-alcoholic beer.
Perhaps it seems like a sacrifice to some, or perhaps you want to say, ‘there is no way I can get out of it’. If the latter happens to actually be the case, then make sure you’re being completely honest with yourself about why you have to go. And then go for ONLY that reason. Whenever you start feeling uncomfortable, get up and LEAVE. If there’s a lingering thought in the back of your mind saying ‘my leaving will look bad’, then recognise this as your addiction voice and think back on all the ‘valid reasons’ you conjured up in order to stay home from work or school, skipping previously agreed obligations etc because you were too hungover (or drunk).
I’m not inciting dishonesty, but make sure to avoid creating double standards about what is and is not available to you in terms of options.
You can always create an exit and
You Always Have a Choice. Which brings me to my last observation.
6. Foster the Understanding that Alcohol is NOT A SOLUTION
It simply isn’t. My odd cravings all but disappeared, my outlook on life changed immensely and I no longer want to engage in activities where booze is the focus mainly for this simple but important understanding: Booze Never Solved Anything nor did it ever contribute to any resolutions.
This is where all the previous points come together. If you feel overwhelmed and, according to old habits, would be having a drink – realise that it will not do you any good. Wait for a second, a minute, 15 minutes, an hour etc and then reconsider whether a drink is somehow necessary. You will find that it’s not.
If you feel shocked, in a good way or bad way, know that booze will not help you in any way. Good feelings are good and bad ones bad – you have to FEEL both in order to understand the other. Anywhere you go, there you are, which means that whatever you feel, will always be there to accompany you. Learn to feel those emotions and sense how much there is to learn from each different emotion.
Bad stretches happen. So do good ones. Booze will make good ones into bad ones and bad ones into horrible ones. You don’t want that. In order to understand, deep down, that you really don’t want that, it’s important to take escapism off the table along with the booze. Learn to be you and stand up for yourself. When you put sobriety first, soon enough you’ll learn how much weight you are actually able to carry. It takes time, don’t rush it.
Put as much energy into sobriety as you did into drinking.
Other people have their own things going on.
Understand that YOUR sobriety is for YOU.
Have an epic holiday season, eat good food and lounge around in preparation for the awesome new year that you will face sober
Best
kk1k5x