It's been awhile
But I just this morning broke things off again with an ex.
I officially left him in May of 2018 (my back story is in my old posts) but a few months back he reached out and had come out of jail, was living in a sober living house, had a steady job and a car! He never had a car. I thought his life was looking up. He went to AA meetings every day, and came down to my city (we live about 60 miles apart) a few times over the past few months and we have been talking every day. I set boundaries with him that we needed to move slowly because I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship with him and trust him again.
Well-- about a week ago he stopped texting me consistently and would go hours and a day with radio silence. It was very bizarre- and was reminiscent to me of the old days when he would go on binges of drinking/using/selling. When I voiced this concern he of course gas lighted and made me feel like I was losing my mind and he was fine. He left his sober living home and he was going through a tough time because he was back at his parents and looking for a new safe place to stay- this is what he listed as the reason for his distance.
He came down to go to a basketball game with me last weekend and i felt something was off. He was EXHAUSTED the whole time and it reminded me of times i had home detoxed him in the past and my gut was not feeling at ease.
I went through his phone and found out he relapsed and also has been selling drugs. We had a conversation about this and he admitted that he was scared of himself and he was trying so hard to not throw his life down the drain. In fact- he had time scheduled to meet a new sober house manager to hopefully get back into that environment.
He was supposed to come down today and spend Christmas with me. I lost my godmother 4 months ago and I was definitely leaning on the promise of his company to make me emotionally okay. Well...i haven't heard from him since yesterday morning and he won't answer my call so I had to text him and tell him that I can't do this again. That I love him but I can't continue to break my own heart by sticking with him when he is still so fresh in recovery. It's been 4 months of active recovery minus his relapse a week ago, but before this he was in jail.
Please send positive vibes my way. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this holiday, especially now that the safety net I was (foolishly) depending on is gone.