Sorry it's a no win position but I guess I'm mostly just venting my frustration, and anger.. Anger at the lack of understanding from basically all corners of my family. Which isn't really their fault.. but it creates some very awkward and uncomfortable dynamics. And I do think it's necessary to see my grandma as my twin cousins are graduating high school this year and I don't want them to think I have some sort of grudge against my mom's entire side of the family.
If anything, my friend who I've written about a lot in other threads (was a serious alcoholic and has now switched to meth) is now in sober living and might be coming to stay for part of the time I'm in town. That would/will without a doubt keep me from taking anything. To be there as support for him..
In any case I guess my AV just doesn't see taking a few xanax or whatever it may be as that big of a deal? But if I wouldn't want to tell my newly sober friend about it I know I should't be doing it either. Basically what I've realized this year is that in future trips to my home state I'm going to be an adult about it and just rent a car and get my own hotel room so if I need to "escape" for whatever reason I can and I'm not just at the mercy of whoever is driving me around.