Holiday Rant
It's really hard for me to go back to my home state. I've been slowly easing into it over the last few holidays, only agreeing to see immediate family. When I left I was in really bad shape. I was mixing pills with alcohol.. first amphetamines, drinking at least half a liter of vodka a day at one point. Then I slowed down with those, drank less but started sometimes mixing with oxys or benzos. I was also in a physically abusive relationship which was highly intertwined with the rest of my dependencies. Jail or institutions, if not death were not far down the line.
Somehow, I got on my feet financially and transferred to another city. Left the relationship, stopped the pills, and found a whole new group of enabler "friends". Thought things were looking up, left for yet another new city. Getting free of booze was still a 2 year so painful and humiliating battle after leaving my home state.
Now.. I'm the one and only alcoholic (that I know of) out of all my blood relatives. And I have a lot, my dad has 7 siblings. My ex step dad was an alcoholic, my mom was oblivious, and the definition of co-dependent. My step mom at the very least has a problem with it, but she's the breadwinner so who cares. If anything it's glorified. Both my parents are highly medicated.. but it's all anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds so that's totally " normal and acceptable".
Getting to the point here.. about 2 years ago I had a falling out with my grandma. She means well but her anxiety is off the charts and she for whatever reason has a "special affinity" for me and has clung onto me like a life raft in the past. I'm talking about non stop calls and texts, hand written letters, telling me every single thing I'm doing is wrong and is going to lead me to grave harm. I had to go no contact for my own sanity.
However she's obviously getting older, and it would break my heart to not "make amends" with her before she either passes away or starts totally losing her memory. So I'm going to be seeing her this Christmas. But my own anxiety is hard to deal with. I told my sister I was considering bringing xanax... and she said oh yeah you definitely should! I take anxiety meds every day and there's nothing at all to worry about, it's a great idea! This is coming from someone who lost her ex to an overdose, and still does not seem to understand addiction.
In fact last year she gave me ativan (or something similar, can't remember exactly) and I spent at least a full day pretty out of it. And I know my own propensity to "check out" with xanax as I've done it at least once on my own. So.. I'm not really looking for advice as I know everyone here will tell me to definitely not do it. And in all honestly I most likely will. I guess this is more of a "confession". To get out the guilt and hear the judgment and condemnation.
Thanks for reading this ridiculously long post.