Originally Posted by
Nara 
He told me many times he knew what he was doing to our relationship ... but he can’t control himself either. I prayed for him. I feel so bad for him. I can understand now the pain he caused me, he might be feeling it ten times worse, and that is why alcohol is part of his life.
Nara, I'm so glad to hear you are feeling some peace now! I understand feeling bad for him, you are a compassionate person. Maybe have some for him but much, much more for yourself?
Yes, it will get better and better. Don't be surprised if you have a day here and there where you feel like you going backwards, not forward, that's normal. But you are moving forward now.
What you said here:
but how can I love him without being emotionally affected and still be emotionally available to him?
This is so very true I think. You aren't as <insert complaint here, affectionate, nice, etc etc> as you used to be! You never want to come over or do this or that.
Umm well, no. A person can only take so much. You find yourself protecting yourself more and more.
Alcoholics (by and large) are not stupid, they are just - drinkers. They know when the writing is on the wall. They know when their behaviour is pushing you away (as he stated about his behaviour), be that the drinking or the emotional abuse or a combo. They may well end it before you do - to save themselves and as an ego thing.
After all they are looking out for the second most important thing in their lives (themselves).
My Father started seeing someone else before my Mom had even moved out of the house, months before. If I remember correctly she even came over a few times. Not that my Mom cared one bit at that point, she had been done with it all for years.
Some people just need to have that other person there, regardless of circumstances. You mention they are still together, it's been what, less than 3 months? Unless she is an alcoholic too (or drinks a lot) she hasn't had the experience of seeing him at his finest when it all becomes too much, when he is asked to tone it down. Relationships cannot progress in that environment.
Anyway, again, I am so glad you are feeling a little better and attending Al-Anon.
You know, so many are caught off guard by the alcoholic leaving. It's important to remember that someone who can't share their feelings with you means they are somewhat unpredictable. Kind of always need to have your bag packed.
Referring to Anvilhead's not putting the stakes in too deep, that should also apply to the partner's of alcoholics. Always have the hefty bag handy and ready to pack.