I think I’m through trying to understand or asking why.
Somedays I still need to vent to feel better. There is still a painful feeling sitting on my chest.
when XAF broke up he went out with someone else two days later. They are still together. When I found out my heart broke a little some more. I found letters he wrote to me just days before the break up, how many promises. “Please don’t leave me, you mean everything to me, I need you. I will look for help, let’s go to counseling. Blah blah blah” and the same week he broke up.
I thought I was doing good, but this week after work I went to my hotel, and while walking the hallway I had a panic attack. I got to my room and broke down in tears, I was honest to myself and said out loud how I feel about the A. I don’t like him but yet I love him. We had plans, and although none of them worked out... now someone else gets to live the life I planed with him? Is he going to change now? Does she deserve better than I do? Is she going to behave better than I did? Is she going to be better than I was? Is he going to give her the children I wanted but I couldn’t have since I am always traveling because of work? Is she going to give up her career and let him take care of her? What if I had accepted all the nice things he was offering?
What was I doing in that relationship when 3 years ago I knew it wouldn’t work?! I knew we would break up, honestly I even expected a divorce after a couple years of giving him many other chances to fix his problem and fail.
I think I’m shifting the focus to myself and I finally stoped being too proud, so I went down on my knees and prayed to a Higher Power. I said everything I was feeling and how embarrassed I was for having these feelings and not being able to tell them to someone. I asked for guidance and I had answers. Yesterday all day long everything spoke to me, every person I talked to, every thing I read, i quiet my mind and answers came to me.
I came across this book: So you love an ... alcoholic? by Grace W. Wroldson ..... it speaks to me so much. So many things became clear.
I found so many good articles here, everything was exactly what I need to understand and accept that no matter what I have done, nothing would change. I watched his disease progress. I know he needs help, I wanted to love him.... but how can I love him without being emotionally affected and still be emotionally available to him?
I think i am ready to stop blaming him. He told me many times he knew what he was doing to our relationship ... but he can’t control himself either. I prayed for him. I feel so bad for him. I can understand now the pain he caused me, he might be feeling it ten times worse, and that is why alcohol is part of his life.
I found this yesterday, and gave me some comfort ...
“Recovery first it gets better,
Then it gets worse,
Than it gets Real,
Then it gets real different!”
I think I am facing “then it gets real”. I can’t wait for this nightmare to be over. I’m so thankful I found this website. I’m still attending Al-anon, but always thought this group here helped more. The thing is that here I get to vent as much as I want to and read similar stories which I think was much needed. I would get angry after leaving Al-anon meetings because most of people there had their A waiting for them at home, and I didn’t have mine anymore and I wanted him back even tho I didnt want to be around him. I Realized what is Al-anon all about and I think I am ready to work the Al-anon program. Is about me and not the A. Wow it took me a while!
Although the pain still sits in my chest, I feel at peace.