Pivot point
I presented to the ER last night with transient abdominal pain that began radiating to my back. Since stopping drinking, I have had intermittent symptoms that didn't appear to be acute, but after 7 lbs weight loss in 52 days and the pain, I decided I could not take the risk. I was diagnosed with gastritis...likely caused by extreme anxiety and binging on alcohol. My bloodwork showed no concerns whatsoever with blood sugar, kidney, pancreas, kidney or liver or infection and clotting concerns. I was 100% certain that I was to receive opposite news. The doctor opted for no scans as my liver function tests, lipase/pancreas and kidney markers showed no elevated signs of recent or acute damage.
I watched people sign into the ER realizing that most are likely not waiting in terror that they irreversibly damaged their bodies by their alcoholism.
My anxiety has fueled the bulk of my heavy drinking and binging for almost two decades. For whatever reason, in this past 10 months, my health anxiety has sky rocketed to a point where its impacting my life. I believe it's related to a unexpected losses and diagnoses of a few good friends (in their 40's) due to cancer, my mother's auto immune diagnoses and related health problems, as well as a few personal health scares that have led to countless vials of blood drawn, MRIs and awaiting doctors calls. The past three years have been full of either receiving bad news related to someone I love and their health, or waiting on results of my own.
My last 18 month period of abstinence simply felt like a pause, no long term plan on managing my anxiety nor recovery.
This time, it feels different on a fundamental level. Not only from the perspective of my health, but on a spiritual level. My drinking has robbed so much goodness from me and I've allowed it for far too long. I have felt awful about myself for 20 years or so.
I am 42 years old. I may get another 40 on this planet if I am very very lucky.
I cannot live this way anymore. It's time for this change to be permanent.