Boy oh boy....I could have written this exact post myself.
The reality is, it's hard to look deep at ones self and see what needs changed, and then actually do it! It took me a very long time, a lot of support, and a lot of counseling to get there, and believe me, it's still a big work in progress.
I do think it's important not to shoulder all the blame. You no more poured alcohol down his throat than I did. That is his to own. For myself, when I just let go of blame all together and focused on what is, I became a lot more confident within myself. My XAH simply is an addict. He simply does have a personality disorder. I simply do have my own issues. I had to pick out what I can control (myself), and simply learn that I can only control how I react to all the rest.
The reality is, we all have things about ourselves we wish to change. All you can do is go forward and work on YOU!!!!
Big hugs!