I can relate. I have also been an alcoholic for 15 years, at least, that is my most accurate estimate I believe. I also have left a trail of destruction in my wake and have a horrible habit of sending messages to exes while intoxicated. I went so far as to disable my Facebook and keep no contacts in my phone because I can't seem to think rationally after a certain amount to drink. I cringe for days after sending out a stupid message.
I am the prototypical 'Jekyll and Hyde' drinker. I've been arrested more times than I can remember. Multiple ER trips. Ruined relationships. All because of alcohol. Yet, I still would love a beer right now.....
Madness.