Yep I can completely identify hon.
Are you working the steps? Step 4 really helped me with all of that stuff! I can honestly say I don't have what if's now. Or if one does fleetingly pop up I use my programme around it. I am where I am. You are where you are. We cannot change the past. As alcoholics we were really sick people. The good news is that you are beginning your journey of becoming well. Thank God we have stopped NOW and have been given a 2nd chance at life. Some never get that chance 😞
Keep doing what you are doing. Going to meetings, working with your sponsor. The steps are literally changing me as a person. It is a miracle. Oh and one bit of advice my first sponsor used to say to me. DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD!! My head would always be telling me how **** I was , what a loser I am . I had to start to really challenge that thinking. I would literally say to myself out loud,,,shut up I am not listening to you! I am not what you say I am. Haha sounds crazy?? Well, I'm an alcoholic, I am crazy lol!!! I have seen how you respond to others on this forum. So much kindness and empathy. I certainly do not see a loser. I see someone who is taking time out to help others. That is not the trait of a loser.
One day at a time, we stay sober and start to work on becoming the people we always were meant to be.
🙏❤🙏❤