I thank everyone so profusely for taking the time to engage with me and share your insight and stories. It is certainly helpful. I signed up with an online therapy program and have already made contact with my therapist. I have a f2f meeting scheduled for next week. I will let everyone know how that type of counseling seems to work for me.
Also, I had a very open conversation with my H today. I let him know I signed up for this counseling and I shared that I had communicated in an online support group. I told him I couldn't go thru this alone again. I also let him know if he continued to drink, that was his decision, but I can't stay for that. I asked him if I could read him something, and I read him the first post I made on this forum 4 years ago. When I finished, he told me he thought I was reading something I found on the internet at first, then he realized that it was about him. He started to get upset bc I put it on the internet. And I let him know I had no option. I had felt like a prisoner who was living in this terrible hell and I didn't have anyone to talk to.
I didn't share it with him to shame him or embarrass him or even remind him of anything. Altho he was ashamed. I was simply sharing how bad life was for us all at that time and why I couldn't stay if he wanted to go that route again. I wont do it to me and I won't do it to the kids.
Alcohol is funny. It lies to us all. I drank a lot when I was younger and remember having some amazing times. Even tho I am not an alcoholic, I bet if I had some sort of journaling of how I was feeling during those years of wastefulness, I imagine there is quite a bit more heartache than memory readily serves.
I don't know what will come of it all. I don't know what the next steps bring. I pray he finds the determination he had these last few years and maybe someone (or a group of someone's) to talk to so he doesn't feel alone and suffocated and so pressured. I let him know I will support him on a sober journey, but I can't help with the other one. We are both powerless to alcohol.