trailmix

Nara, I really hope that you can focus on not blaming yourself. In reading all that you just wrote this was all stacked against you from the beginning.

This is not your fault. You had:

- The Alcoholic who is abusive and lies and manipulates
- The Family of enablers that shared no information with you

Right there you have a group of people and who are they all looking out for, the alcoholic.

At the same time, you are looking out for him too. It's what happens.

When there is an alcoholic in the group - the one with the sad "issue", what happens is a tornado of sorts. Everyone near to that person gets drawn to the tornado. The lies, the hiding, the stories, the sympathy (poor me, look at me, trying so hard and unable to quit drinking with all my problems).

The drama.

You didn't approve of his drinking or his behaviour. He obviously cared about you so he said - no problem, I will quit drinking!!

Well of course, he never did. His intentions might have even been good to start with but quitting drinking is serious stuff. It's withdrawal it's a commitment to never drink again and very few can do it successfully on their own.

Oh they may be able to put down the bottle, but getting in to recovery means unlearning all those horrible coping mechanisms they have used over the years (like getting mad at someone so they will leave your house or saying something so awful the person wants to leave!).

I hope the following will help with the thinking there is something wrong with you that you are going through now and also in the sympathy etc that you probably still have for him.

- He is very deep in to his addiction, based on your description.

- Alcoholics are not in their right minds. Not only when they are drinking, ALL the time, all day long every day. Alcohol at this level changes the brain and healing that brain only happens when they stop drinking (and it can take a while, years, although generally there is improvement the more time they don't drink).

So when you think, what about that time ex and I were talking about how great we are and he said how much he loves me. Well i'm sure he did - to the best of his ability - which is not the same as what you would expect in a "normal" relationship. His first love is alcohol, his second focus is himself.

On the surface it looks like oh, two days later he picks up some woman and he's out there having a good time, no problem! Don't be fooled by that. There is a reason he drinks, I'm sure he shared some of his demons with you? None of that has changed. He lives in his own world, drunk most of the time, numbing out feelings.

On the surface it looks like a good time. What he has found is a companion that doesn't care about his drinking - yet. Who isn't going to ask him to stop drinking - yet. Who he can hide the amount he drinks from - for now.

This is not about you and never was. You now know about addiction and although it is trial by fire this is valuable information.

You will heal. You will recover and you will go on to feel joy and happiness again. I understand being impatient but it just takes the time it does.

Al-Anon is helping in little ways, as you said, I hope you keep going, share you story with them, let them help you too.

You really need to circle the wagons and get all the support you can. Talk about this, talk to us as much as you need to.