Update! I had a baby!
Hi everyone, it's been I while since I've posted here! I just wanted to let you know that I had my baby mid October! I gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy at home in a water pool! He's such a content perfect wee guy and I'm so very happy 😍
I'm still with Abf.... Still living separately.... But set to move in with him this weekend. For the past month he's been busy refurbishing his flat. It's an old Victorian tenement flat and needed a lot of work so he's been busy installing new windows and radiators, sanded down the original wooden floor boards, painting, plastering, insulated the walls and the attic, fixed the fireplaces.... He wants the place to be perfect for us for Christmas and he's doing all the
work himself to save money.. He's been at it day in day out and the place is looking fab. He still drinks but has "cut down".
Meanwhile I've been taking full care of our son in my home which I share with flatmates. I'm exclusively breastfeeding and baby feeds round the clock, every hour! It's exhausting but I'm enjoying every second with him 😍 ....when abf visits, he cleans, makes dinners, changes nappies. When he's physically here he's been a great help but as he works full time and at work in the evenings on the flat, I've been on my own most of the time and felt a bit like a single parent. A very capable single parent mind you! And it's been giving me a lot of space to think....
As much as I appreciate what he's doing.... All kinds of emotional stuff and history has been coming to the surface.... and I feel quite different about things.... I still love him but I'm wondering if maybe I'd be happier finding my own place with my son as I'm feeling apprehensive about living with him again. I would love the practical support by living together but I'm also feeling
fiercely protective of my son and won't stand to be mistreated again....In abf's own way, he is trying his best.... And yet I'm not sure his best is good enough anymore... But it's confusing as I also love the deeper connection I feel with him now due to having our baby together... I still enjoy his company too ... I just fear the arguments .....
The main benefits of living together are:
The help I'll get in the evenings and weekends, giving me the chance to get much needed breaks; we can be a great team when we're both positive. The opportunity to save a good bit of cash; it'll be nice to have my own space and no longer share with flatmates; he's making the back room a studio for me... Studio / sanctuary space.to work ; and then there is the overall hope i feel that we will be a happy family....
The cons/fears are:
the way we typically clash.... Bad memories ... resentments.... Broken trust...
Hmm, helps to write here... it would be good to get your insights SR x thanks!