It’s been a little over a year since I left my XAH. At the time we had a three-year-old and I really wanted another child. We’ve been trying, fertility treatment and everything, for quite some time. That was part of what kept me in the relationship. He was unkind to me and left me to do pretty much everything on top of us both working, but I wanted another kid and I sucked it up for so long. When I finally left I thought, he has taken so much from me, he’s not going to take this from me too and I decided to have another one by myself. It’s not like anyone helped me with the first one, so I was sure I could do it.

I am a couple weeks from having baby number two, and my life is a lot better, and I have a good set up and my older child is doing really well. Her dad is still a mess but he’s been sober for visits so she’s getting quality time with him.

But I am so sad that I’m having this baby by myself. I know it was the right decision because it is infinitely better than losing out on something important to me because I married an *******. But I always thought I would be a part of a team and I worked really hard to be self-sufficient in my life, thinking I would bring a lot to the table and so would my partner so we could have awesome kids and a good life. I know you don’t really earn love, but I thought I had set myself up for the kind of life I wanted to have.

I am grateful that I’m capable of doing everything myself. I have a good job, and make enough money to support my little family, I had the guts to pull the trigger on having the second child having even though I’m alone. But I had no intention of being a single parent. I hate that I spent all my extra energy over the last year fighting to protect my daughter from her own father’s decisions. Now I am waiting on the birth of my second kid, while I shudder at the thought of tying myself to another adult because the last one almost killed me. This is the part where I should have someone next to me rubbing my feet and telling me I’m still beautiful even though I am as big as a house. Instead, as per usual, I have only myself to rely on. When my daughter was born, I remember my ex had booze with him that he was drinking on the pull out sleeper sofa in the hospital room. It’s not like I had the dream before. I guess I just want more than making the best out of whatever is left, which is what I feel like I’m doing after having married a freaking alcoholic.

I like being a single mom. I like my job, I like my friends, I’m excited for this baby. I just wanted to be loved by somebody with the capacity to actually take care of me back. I’m really sad right now in a particularly hard time that I didn’t get that and I don’t think I ever will. I’m so jaded and exhausted by the thought of having any responsibilities to another adult at this point. I feel like any wifely energy I ever had has been completely spent. Thank you, alcoholism, and thanks to the part of me that picked that man.