When Did You Know You Were In Trouble?
At what point were you smacked with the brutal realization that your addiction was out of control? As the disease progresses we slowly lose a little of ourselves each day, but we stay in denial that we actually have a problem until it reaches a boiling point, whether it's one moment or a series of events.
Me: My disease had progressed rapidly for the prior six months, like exponentially. We went to Northern AZ to celebrate a birthday. I never really wanted to go, I wanted to stay home and drink, but I relented since it was a family member's birthday. In those days, on weekends, I got up at 6am and started drinking, but now I had to stay sober all day because I had to drive 150 miles with my family.
I had never really experienced serious withdrawals up until that point, because I found a way to keep myself lit mostly all of the time. I figured I could white knuckle it until the trip was done and we got to dinner and then have a drink or two to calm my nerves.
Well, we get to dinner, and I order a vodka tonic, pretty much slam it as fast as possible without drawing attention. It didn't even touch my withdrawal symptoms (didn't help that the drinks were watered down), so I wait a socially acceptable amount of time and order another....nothing. I drank a total of three or four drinks and I was still a mess. Withdrawals symptoms were barely touched.
Long story short, I spent the night without sleeping and major chills, nausea, etc. I really wanted to go to the hotel bar, but I was with my wife and kids, and didn't want to let on that I NEEDED more drinks.
I just could not get the amount of booze I needed to break through the withdrawals that night, which at the time was at least 16 oz. of straight vodka just to get me feeling OK.
This was a defining day and I 'came out' as having a drinking problem and really started seeking help a month later. Luckily it never came to a DUI or something more destructive, but I was definitely on that path.
SC