I know that I really should be working the steps.......I havent. Steps one and two I can accept...... three ........thats a tough one. I know deep down inside of me that my Higher Power IS THERE FOR ME. I know because when I pray I always feel better. That feeling right in the "pit" of my stomache goes away. I just need to let it go. I dont know why its so hard for me. Maybe some part of me still believes that me and only me can keep me off of drugs. And believe me--these past three months have been a struggle to say the least. Im more afaid of the guilt then anything. I just cant take that anymore!!! I would go and get high without a moments thought!!! Now I think about how Im going to feel after the fact. Instant gratifacation isnt there anymore. I know what I know now.
But even though Im not using the guilt is still haunting me!!!! I just think about my kids.........the tears start!!!!!!! I think about what Ive put my mother through......the tears start. Im just so mad at myself. I feel like I dont deserve what I do have and that really sucks!!!!!!!!
Holidays have never been a joyous time for me--now Im scared!!! I just hope that I can stay clean. Thats all I want for Christmas!!!!!!!!