Originally Posted by
silentrun 
This idea of controlled drinking or moderation is one thing I don't understand when people bring it up. I went 100 mph right into the wall and never did moderation. I did limit how much I would buy so I won't drink so much I couldn't go to work the next day but I wouldn't call that moderation. I bought enough to get me drunk but not enough to last so I wouldn't have time to sober up before morning. When I drank it was to get good'n drunk. What does moderation mean to people who use it as a way to keep drinking?
I'd say for me, and everybody is a little different, moderation is drinking without too much damage. Getting away with it on a given drunk. Not too hungover, didn't do anything regretful. Then there is also the control of not drinking when I don't want to.
(Long version below) cliff notes: I get in big trouble when I drink.
I was somewhat functioning. I think I really fell in love with alcohol at 14 years old. I never even considered a life without alcohol until my early 40s. I loved it that much. I wanted to avoid going over the edge and needing treatment because I knew that would mean no more alcohol. A very calculating drunk.
My most dangerous drinking was late teens early 20s as far as frequency and consumption. I settled down a bit in my 20s but I needed to drink and smoke pot every night. To stop drinking I would take OTC sleeping pills and just be so tired by the time I could finish a 6 pack on a typical week night. I would still go nuts on many weekends. Lots of cocaine and crack cocaine in my early 20s. I couldnt stand coming down and somehow I quit doing coke. Then in my mid 30s I got into opiates a little bit. I had that a ha, some of my best thinking, I'll bet coming down from coke/crack wouldn't be too bad with this stuff.
Besides the usual bad nights drinking, doing, saying, texting things I regret I had another big problem. Now in addition to that it's how can I drink without spending money, driving drunk, in a dangerous city, doing dangerous things. Like winding up with a needle in my arm to make the anxiety from a crack binge stop.
Despite the junkie I turn would turn into on weekends I followed an insanely strict diet and exercise schedule through the week. So many times I would just suffer through Monday until I ran monday night. 6 miles to think to think OMG how did it happen again. I can't say how many times I ran consumed by the thought of how does this happen to me. How did i lose control, why did I spend that money, why do I drive drunk especially in a dangerous place. This can't continue. Not I need to stop drinking, I need to control myself when I drink. Maybe if I leave my debit card at my moms house. Maybe I can leave my phone over at her house when I drink. I turn into a different person. Maybe I can drive a couple hours away and get drunk in a hotel where I dont know where to score. I moved a couple towns further away from the city. I told a good friend, and well seasoned addict friend of mine Haha, there's no way I will drive drunk that far for drugs. That would be insane. He said once you get that alcohol in you oh yeah you will. So there I am in a new town, drunk, high on crack, weed, and heroin (90% of the time I snorted). I wasnt a complete junkie, YET.
I was right about it being insane to make that drive drunk. I got popped hard by the police, turns out they dont tolerate narcotics and drunk driving here. I was planning on taking my OTC sleeping pills that night to control my drinking but needed just one more drink. Getting high started looking more fun than going to bed. I was charged with a felony and I had somewhat of a corporate, professional job when I wasn't drinking and drugging. To make my long story less long, a lot of factors came into play. I was lucky, I started to reach out to God right before my lawyer sent me to AA.
Besides the getting away with it on a given night there is that other moderation of not drinking on nights I'm supposed to eat right and exercise. Most of the time I didn't drink during the week but once the alcohol starts calling me I'm in trouble. The obsession. Those nights I'm supposed to lift weights but ya know, it was a stressful day at the office wouldn't a mid week drink be nice? I'm sure we all could write a book of reasons we took a drink that we didn't originally plan on. The obsession weakens over time but I dont think it quite dies. When I'm actively using that obsession just lingers over my head like a black cloud. My head was always in a struggle, wanting to work hard, be healthy, have good things, but also just be a drunk & high lazy pig!