Ok, so I’m struggling. But I’ve made an interesting observation.

Generally speaking I have two modes:

1. Content, productive but on-edge (sober)
2. Unhappy, unproductive but relaxed (drunk)

If given the choice, I’m sure the average normal person would pick option 1 as the better way forward. And yet despite all I know about my mind and its flaws, I go for option 2 every time. Every day.

What’s wrong with me? Feeling relaxed, even if that means feeling relaxed about leaving my wife without a husband and leaving my kids without a dad, trumps clarity of thought and the love I honestly feel for my family during my sober hours.

It sounds thoroughly mad as I type this, but it’s the best way I can describe how I feel. Can anyone relate?