If you go through my past threads you'll see that I was binging and purging with alcohol, facing a bogus shoplifting charge over some toilet paper that ended up costing me a thousand dollars and a ton of misery, and had taken 60 Klonopin in a four day period to "try to even myself out".
People here told me to go to the hospital, but I was done. Just done. With alcohol, misery, life...
I came off everything by myself, went to my doctor and got checked and stabilized on antidepressants.
My life may not be "fun" or back to 100%, but Im a million times better.
This is after many fits and starts.
Once I finally got it through my head that there was NO relief in even ONE, it lost its appeal.
You will never win so dont get into a fight with the bottle.
People here have tried many times and many ways.
Just dont beat yourself up. Thats what your brain wants right now- so it can convince you that you need another drink.
Rewire and retrain that brain.
The compulsion WILL go away. I had it BAD.
Some days I dont feel great, but I dont even imagine drinking will make it better.
Just dust yourself off and shower, eat, exercise, rest.