It's just a Mug.
First off sorry for the long post.
So I have been working the steps,an "Letting Go and Letting God" handle things i have kept inside. Things that were no good for my heart and soul. I have been able to let go a lot of things my AW has done. The emotional affairs, The manipulation of me to get what she wanted, Lying to me, Making me feel i had to say sorry, when it was her that caused this issue and her not even saying sorry. With the stuff I have learned in Al-Anon and the two phrase "let go and let god" and also Hopeful4 quote "I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received". I have been able to let go of so much. Except I'm having an issue with one thing. One thing I can't seem to get out of my head. So let me tell you the story first .
Back at the end of June, Max Scherzer, pitcher for the Washington Nationals, suffered a broken nose and black eye. But still pitched the next day with a broken nose. Not sure how he did it(Awesome dedication from him). Well about 2 week later a package arrives for my wife. I'm sitting on the sofa and she is on the other side of the room on the chair. She opens up the shipping box and calls my oldest daughter up. She hands her a box from inside the shipping box. She opens the box and it a Max Scherzer mug with a black eye. (see below) She is a big Max Scherzer fan. She then put the shipping box aside. We talk a bit and I have to go take my youngest daughter to the church. I decide to grab the shipping box off the table to place in the garage with all the other recycle boxes. I pick it up and notice and say " oh it's not empty" She looks at me with this face and and after a too long of a pause in my book says "Dammit! That was suppose to be a surprise gift for you". I leave the shipping box where it is and leave with my daughter. I come back home and the box is off the table and what looks like another mug box has been moved to the bedroom dresser. I don't touch it and wait for her to give it to me. After it sitting there a week she says "are you going to take your mug to work". Doesn't give it to me just states that in not so nice a tone. It was the same mug my daughter received after i opened it up. I take it "say thanks" and it's been sitting on my desk at work.
So you ask why the story about a mug. Well back in July she was still smitten with the guy from church who was manipulating her, bring her up and then tearing her back down. She had not started AA yet. She was always apologizing to him. I know cause she would be upset that her "friend" made her upset, but it was OK know and she had apologized. The friend got more apologizes in a few months then I think I have had in 20 years of marriage. I think this Mug was a gift to him to apologize or make amends for a fight they had. I don't know ( guessing here). Then when I picked up the box to throw it out she had to think of something fast since she didn't give to me at the same time as my daughter. Grant it their we no holidays or my birthday any where close. She also never gets me surprise gifts or even little notes to surprise me and bring a smile to my day. Grant It, I don't surprise her with gifts as much as i wish i did. I do put notes every now and then in the lunches I pack her for work. Buy her flowers every now and then just because. I'm a romantic at heart.
The problem I'm having is we are at a great place right now. She is continuing her AA making great progress and me my Al-Anon. We feel happier then we have been in a long time. I just can't seem to let go of the mug issue. Which I think to myself is silly. It's just a mug. I have let go and let my higher power deal with a lot bigger issues, why will this one not let go?
I know it's not about the mug, but about trust and deceit. Wish i could say oh it fell off the desk and broke, Problem solved, but the little voice inside of me that thinks it's actually a gift from her says that is wrong. I'm not sure what I will do about this. I want to get past this, but not sure how. I hope I can get some advice from you great people out there. I'm staying strong. Have a beautiful day.