I'm sorry you have all these emotions coming back, Ladybug.
I don't think I've ever heard what someone is going through emotionally so succinctly explained.
That aside, we can't change the past we have to abide by it and it's as much a part of us as our right arm. It's going to be there for a very long time so we may as well get used to it and use it to our advantage rather than a whole miasma to
subvert us.
I hope you don't dwell on it too much. There's nothing you can do to change it.
I've found psychic growth and spirituality helps me clean up the pain and wreckage of my past.
Please don't let it get you down or drink over it. Drinking would solve nothing and only make you feel worse tomorrow. I know the feeling of, 'I'll show you I'll get drunk'. It never worked out real well for me.
Wishing you the best and thinking of you.