Today is a battle
I'm not going to drink. But today I really, really want to.
Ever since I stopped drinking it's as though I have been shedding layers of repressed emotional junk and for the most part it has been ok. I have welcomed it. I understand that there are things I have to face.
But this morning I woke up with unwelcome thoughts of my ex from over a year ago now. Thoughts of not being enough, thoughts of being cast aside. Thoughts of being dismissed.
It is not HIM that I miss or think about. That relationship simply represented every deep, dark button that could have been pushed in my psyche. And when I get stressed about anything in my life, my mind clings to that relationship. Like a scab that you can't help but pick at. I think about what I did wrong, how I could have been better. Then I get angry at myself for having allowed myself to stay with such a shallow, self absorbed person for years. I get angry at myself for basically abandoning myself in favor of him.
But none of that is the real issue. I have abandonment and emotional neglect issues from childhood that I never considered or addressed until now. My brain would like a bottle or two of wine more than anything else right now. I know it won't help anything. But just by writing it here I am hoping to give it less power.
I have been sick with a virus for the past two weeks so my exercise routine has gone by the wayside. That could be contributing to all of this right now too.