James, you say in your post that you have a bad feeling about all of this and then later on you say you just want a break from your thoughts. This is significant to me. This suggests you instinctively know your thoughts are directly responsible for your bad feeling. What we think, we feel. Unfortunately we can't switch our thoughts off but we can get them under control. You're projecting into the future, James.... What will your ex say when she receives the letter ..... What if your boys don't want to see you .....what if the courts/social services get involved..... I understand why you're doing it, I'd be doing it too, but think about it, what is it achieving? None of us can predict the future, it's completely unknown so when we put our minds there, we have nothing concrete to build on to so we imagine the worse and this creates anxiety and fear and that bad feeling. It also puts us, as addicts, in extremely dangerous territory. We really want the thoughts to stop. What might we do, to make the thoughts stop?
Big picture - you are desperate to see your kids and the reality is, you will see your kids. But for this moment on this day, you need to try to break it down into manageable, little steps. You've sent the letter, awesome. No point worrying about that. When you get the response, deal with that then. You're saving for a deposit. Brilliant. Keep doing that. Keep working, keep saving and when you can, start looking for somewhere else to live. Your mum can see that you're sober, she can see that you're trying to turn things around. She's worrying about the future too and projecting her fear onto you. She knows the past you. Stay strong and sober and prove to her that the past you is remaining in the past.
I can't imagine what it's like not to have seen your kids for so long. But I do know that kids need contact with both parents. And if both parents are sober and working in the best interests of the kids, I know that social services and judges do everything in their power to ensure both parents spend time with the kids. Because that is what is best for the children. Your past may be revisited and the future may seem super scary but all that matters is who you are and what you do today. Sending you loads of love and support. Please lean on us when you get the response from your ex. You're not on your own. Love to everyone and 24 more for me please xxxx