Thank you so much for your replies. Everything you say has made sense. Today 22nd September is actually my birthday and I went out to lunch with my husband, step-father and daughter. We talked a lot about Mum and actually all laughed when I mentioned that this would be the very first year for as long as I can remember that Mum would not be phoning me at precisely 15.30pm to remind me of the pain of childbirth.......it was a sort of standing joke between us. Golly, I missed that call today!!!! Anyway, we did have a wonderful relationship and I have that to cherish forever. I obviously knew she would go one day but it was such a horrible way to go. I also am trying to keep my emotions to myself to be strong for my step-father who, although only 4 years older than me, was actually married to Mum for over 40 years. So, he is like a lost soul at the moment. He has always been more like a brother to me and I love him very much. I get scared that I could press that F it button if I don't get my emotions sorted out. I think Mum would come back and haunt me if I ever picked up again!!! It is true, getting sober is not the panacea for all life's problems and on the other hand alcohol doesn't solve anything. I am not usually this wingey....trouble is all my family depend on me to be strong so I am very adept at hiding all this anguish I have expressed here. They would all be shocked to know how I was really feeling which is why I must actively seek some professional assistance I.e. from somebody completely independent. Thanks again for taking the trouble to answer me. Surprised nobody has just said "get a grip for goodness sake"!!!!