You're right, you can never stop being that alcoholic. You can never let go of your conviction that drinking will destroy you, and you will always have to be vigilant. But it's not going to be as bad as it sounds. While all this sounds like never being able to let your guard down, you will become more relaxed as you adjust to your new life. As you gain confidence, you can start paying attention to the birds and the flowers. Relaxation comes on it's own. You won't have to force it. Relaxation does not mean not caring, not watching, or just throwing in the towel. It is that way early on, but later your perspective on the issue will change as you gain confidence, which will also creep up on you when you aren't watching. Right now, just keep doing what you are doing, don't worry about 10 years from now. Let things happen naturally. This recovery thing is a journey, not a destination.