IN
Thanks Mags, good topic and one I should probably pay more attention to.
It has taken a long time but eventually I discerned that there were two strands in play. Firstly there is the shame and embarrassment at past words and actions. Eventually it did sink in that shame serves no positive purpose, it doesn't apologise to anyone I hurt and it doesn't teach me anything or help me move on.
Secondly there is guilt. I don't see feeling some guilt as a bad thing in as much as it does teach me something, that some actions or words hurt others and helps me avoid repeating the mistake.
When people post that they want a drink on SR people (myself included) often say "play the tape forward" meaning where will picking up that first drink lead you. It's good advice. When it comes to our past mistakes we sometimes "play the tape" too often.